Again, I find myself putting off the one thing that can bring goodness into my life and I wonder why that is. Is it because I do not believe...is it because I cannot break out of the funk to be grateful...is it for a myriad of other reasons? I am not sure...but what I am sure about is that I have been delinquent about being grateful...and for that I am not happy with myself. For some reason I find it so much simpler to slip back into the abyss of darkness then to move into the light...especially at times when I really need to. It is not that I am not grateful for everything in my life, I am...it's just that I can't seem to breakthrough all the depression to begin to be grateful. All the bad thoughts just keep taking over my mind and I have trouble, except for short periods of time, not focusing on the doom and gloom of my life right now. Again I say, this is not where I expected to be at this time in my life...but it is where I find myself...and I need to change things dramatically. But for some reason being positive and thinking all is well seems to feel more like kidding myself than being realistic...I'm sorry to say.
When will I get it...when will I realize that it is exactly times like these that I need to be the most grateful for what I already have...not live in fear of what might be?
I'm going back to the drawing board...I am beginning again to start this journey. I will start again from the beginning and move forward. No more moving backwards for me...no more.
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